Love Day for the Erotic at heart


C.L. Bolin, author  and illustrator

C.L. Bolin, author and illustrator

On Love Day, of all days, I tend to get a little speechless.

Today is a glorious day for people in love.  For the others, its an empty lackluster day with a TV dinner for one and a cold side of the bed- or worse yet, being with someone who treats you as less than worthy.

Remembering to love yourself-  to be in love with who you are- tends to be overlooked by some, who for some reason or another, does not like something about themselves or feel insecure.  Maybe its their pear shape, big nose, frizzy hair, big feet..maybe its the person in your lovelife carving verbal chunks out of your inner beauty… we could chatter all day about “flaws” that truly at the end of the day, don’t amount to a hill of stale Valentine’s cards.

You are truly the love of your own life, love that will never hurt you, leave you, betray you.

Love the miracle you are, every nook and cranny. Take yourself out to dinner, buy yourself flowers and death by chocolate in a cardboard box.   Thank yourself, hug yourself, and if you feel the urge, kiss the mirror.  Love your curves, your quirks, and eccentricities.   You cannot love another if you do not love yourself first.

In the “Finding Tina” series, this particular chapter I shelved, simply because at the time I wrote it, I was trying to fall in love with myself..accept and love myself as I was…but I was not quite ready to embrace myself and I felt shackled by the mental blocks I had placed within myself.  Namely, unworthy of self-love.   Recovery writing about my fears, helped me overcome this.

For some readers, the chapter will be blatant as it is…Sex, fetish experimentation, bondage, anal play and multiple partners.  This was probably the strongest piece I’ve ever written.  I am sure somebody at WordPress might… *gulp :o”.

For others, they will read between the lines.  The chapter is about self-love, self-worthiness, self-control.  Self everything.

Without further ado..  this is “Fusing”, a shelved unedited chapter in the “Finding Tina” series that may end up as an example piece for “Recovery Writing 101.”    I welcome all comments and please, “like” if you do.

 

“FUSING”
M y body feels awkwardly, numbly aware that I am only in a partial lucid dream state, floating in and out of being awake,
floating in and out of my warm bed.
 
For a few minutes, I’m able to open my eyes.
This is not the dream I wanted to have.
Where am I?
The room is darkly red and I hear a creaking noise above.
There are shining objects on the walls.
Now I am solid in the dream.
I cannot move.
I look up and stare at the leather straps binding me up.
The leather is snug around my wrists.
I taste a ball gag in my cotton dry mouth.
My tongue tests the backside of the rubber ball.
I’m wearing nothing but leather chaps
and sharp-toothed nipple clamps.
My feet are bound.
My ass is cccccold.
I try to control the dream, but I cannot look at my hands. That is the trick. Seeing my hands, gives me the control.
But the straps are snug, unmovable.
 
I remember.
I went home.
I took a sleeping pill.
I’m afraid.
I have no control over what happens.
I hear a shuffling behind me.
A black hood is slipped over my head.
I gasp with a mix of fear and excitement as my vision goes pitch black.
 
I feel a sudden sting on my bare derriere.
I’m getting whipped softly with a wooden paddle.  In spite of myself, I’m enjoying it. I feel like I’ve been a bad girl.
I groan in my throat a little.
I don’t know who is doing it to me.
Is it my lucid dream Devon?
I hear chuckling.  It’s not him.
The nipple clamps are tugged and I cry out a little.
The voice asks me if I like pain.
I’m not sure if I like this dream.
I’m too afraid to say no.
The paddle smacks one cheek, and the other smartly and harder, bringing a tear to my eye.
My cheek is stinging hot.
 
The voice asks me again, and I get a little more aroused.
Now I can smell my pheromones in the air
oh sweet Jesus
no.
I can’t hide my sexual desire flowing out.
Suddenly
I feel several fingers plunge inside of me.
I’m moaning pleasurably in my pitch black restraints in spite of myself.
The voice says
don’t lie to me
Tina.
I sense more here than the one voice for I’m getting touched all over the place- so many hands and fingers suddenly touching me.
Exploring my betraying wet love lips
rubbing and pinching my labia
mischievously pulling my nipple clamps
that betrayed me to even wetter heights.
I am oozing liquid sex into my chaps.
The fear overrides my excitement and I scream into my gag, sobbing.
This feels so familiar. 
I’ve been here.
I don’t want to remember.
 
I’m remembering.
I can’t…
Memories wash over me and I cannot stopper them.
Rescue me from this Hell.
 
I sob into my black cloth, head down.
The tears run freely down into my open gagged mouth
And drip down my neck.
I feel crucified, ashamed beyond words.
The hands withdraw for a moment.
The clamps are removed and the gag is pulled out but
I still cannot see.
I scream in fear and anger into the black cloth.
I am lowered to the ground, tied to the floor with my legs and arms wide out.
My ass is shivering plastered against the cold cement floor.
The voice says
Everything you’ve ever been afraid to try is now.
I feel a presence between my thighs and
a mouth breathing softly into my open love gash lips.
Warm and gentle and sweet
a tongue licks me with anatomical expertise.
I smell perfume wafting from my southern lover.
I’m not into girlsAm I?
I feel so wicked suddenly.
I’m completely being dominated and tied up but this time,
I’m not in danger.
My southern lover who might be a woman, proceeds
to work her womanly magic on me. 
My personal taboo.
My begging hips strain to meet her warm wet mouth.
She complies by sucking on me deeply
while her fingers are gently playing.
She knows every trick spot I have.
I sense a second presence by my head.
I hear clothing slipping off skin, and then I feel someone poised
over my face.  I smell the same perfume again.
 
The voice says
Taste me, Tina.
I willingly lick my dry lips and open my mouth in pure submission.
I am lost in lack of control.
I’m ready.
I’m suddenly aware of the smell of her desire lingering mere inches from my lips.
I feel the heat of warm skin close.
I feel a drip on my lip and I lick it.
Oh my god I taste myself.
I’m dominating myself.
I’m having sex with myself.
This is mine.  I want it.
The most mouthwatering ache consumes me.
I cannot reach me.
The more I raise my head with my open wanting mouth, the further I back off, teasing.
I want me to beg for it.
And I do
I beg so hard to taste me.
While all along, my southern lover’s tasting me from the inside out
and already brought me to the point of losing it several times yet
knows my body enough to back off.
I beg one more time.
Please.
I’m so hungry.  I can’t see.
I protrude my tongue with a wicked famishment and I feel my lips brush against my own love blossom lips.
My tongue experimentally slips inside.  At last, I’m loving myself as a woman would love another woman.
I get to do what I’ve always wanted to try.
The taste of heavenly musk, mild salty velvet softness floods my mouth, with growing heat that trembles and gasps for more. The clit flowers out with my lingual love until my love button is engorged, exposed and electrically hot to my tongue and teeth.
My northern lover grinds hips down into my face, my nose pressing into the taint, the smell as euphoric as a drug.
My tongue is relentlessly exploring the parts of me I’ve always wanted to know, afraid to try.
I’m finding new valleys I never knew existed.
My tongue timidly traces my taint up to my hole, and swirls around it, virgin territory to claim.
 
My northern lover inhales sharply, and poises in expectation, waiting for more.
 
I hesitate at first. 
But it’s my first lesbian dream and it’s just me loving me. 
I push my tongue past the cherry of the northern lover’s rim hole and plunge it deeply far inside, feeling the muscle’s tautness squeeze around it.  I taste a mix of my own body, and my sexual flavors in my mouth.
 
My northern lover cries out and her hips rotate in time with the rhythm of my taut tongue as the first orgasm erupts hotly excited all over my face.
My southern lover is mirroring what I’m doing now, plunging tongue into me as if it’s a fine dessert to sample. 
I feel my own climax rising like the birth of a hot star.  She backs off again, leaving me trembling and begging.
 
The voice suddenly says
Come to me
Tina.
But it’s not me- I- that I want.  It’s the northern lover asking the southern lover.
I feel a shifting in the way my southern lover is devouring me. 
I sense her hovering high above me and I tremble, consumed with unadulterated self-love, and cravings.  She is turning.
 
I’m asking to see.
My blindfold is removed suddenly and I see my own beautifulness, hovering over my face, a freshly opened desire, full of nectar to suck.
I look up beyond, and through the window of soft creamy breasts, I see northern lover grabbing southern lover by the derriere, spreading the cheeks apart with soft haste, and burrowing her face inside hotly, moaning face-deep into her glistening feminine lips.
 
I look down and my southern lover is losing her control onto me, burrowing her face so deeply into me, her breasts tantalizingly brushing against my bare belly.  Her fingers are exploring all of my orifices- in and out, wetly- sucking and biting me with abandon and crying out, until I am dripping wet with love for myself all over the cement floor.
I am suddenly overcome and before I can stop myself,
I join in.
I let go of the stigma, all the fears.
I embrace the lover within me, loving myself as I never had before.
I open my mouth and clamp deeply into my southern lover self over my face, slipping my tongue in and out of myself, lost in my own fantasy, lost in my own pleasurable taste. My inhibitions dissipate like the steam rising off my bodies on the cold cement floor.
I devour myself out with such a strong probing delightful tongue that all three of me gasp out with delight.
I am having the most delicious orgy of myself.
My mind, my body, my spirit loves each other with abandon exploring every hill, every valley with electric jolts of amour, and we all want to orgasm in perfect harmony.
I hear noises in the darkness and I sense my dream man is near.
I hear one of me ask, with muffled mouth
Who invited him, Tina?
The southern lover says softly
I did.
My southern lover shifts hips a little away from the northern lover’s mouth and I see the disappointed pouting.
Devon suddenly appears alongside us, and is very ready- slipping his enormous shaft into the northern lover’s pouting mouth.  He looks down at me on the cold floor and his eyes shine bright blue, warmly enough to take the chill out of me.
He says
Hello, beautiful, I’ve been looking for you.
My northern lover is swallowing her full mouthful of him, her breasts bouncing gently as she is making low throaty noises of lust.  His hand is guiding her bobbing head to the sucking speed he likes.
My eyes are wide, watching them.  I feel jealousy rising in me.
 
Devon’s eyes are locked to mine.  
He smiles so breathlessly and while he thrusts deeply down her wet pink throat, he says
I’m going to love only you. 
They’re all you.
 
I feel the warm wash of emotions tumble over me and I shiver lightly as it quells the jealous beast within me.
A heated look passes between us.
 
He is in charge.
 
I submissively lock my pointed tongue into my northern lover again and she is breathless briefly with her mouth full of his engorged shaft. Devon grunts powerfully and thrusts even more deeply into her mouth, tenderly railing her face as I proceed to eat her out with wild abandon of his permission.
 
The northern lover is making whimpering noises of delicious proportions, in time with the rhythm of his thrusts and her shuddering thighs. She is being sucked so deeply by me that I feel completely wanton and nibble her inside out.
 
She cries out with her mouthful of him and rises off me for a second, it’s too intense. He growls and grips her hair, slowing her rhythm a little and slipping himself more down her deep throat.  Devon has no intention of letting her off so easy.
Through the veil of breasts, arms, and her hands, I see how I look giving a blowjob.  The northern lover’s throaty noises are rising in pitch.  She is enjoying him.  Devon’s eyes are closing, softly, and his breath is quickening.  I can see his balls swelling getting ready to ejaculate. 
His sweat is flying off his body in droplets, landing on my face and bare breasts, as I burrow my face back into the northern lover’s wet peach, sucking so deeply on her sizzling hot button that she inhales raggedly and her hands grip the base of his shaft. 
She slips into euphoric sex state, sucking hard and fast and noisily until he is beginning to shake with losing control.
I eat her out with rising excitement as she rubs his valley, playing with his balls and circling his rim hole pleasurably and taking every inch of him in her throat, speeding up the tempo until she is in control and he is lost to the sensations.
 
Devon cries out suddenly and grunts through his heavy breathing, shudderingHis ejaculate is dripping down out of the northern lover’s overflowing mouth above. She shifts off my face suddenly to orgasm her feminine cum into my hairline as his salty sweet ejaculate drips all over, dotting my breasts like a fine string of pearls, into my waiting open mouth.  I lick my lips like its sweet icing for sticky buns.
Suddenly the northern lover disappears in a wisp of movement, and I feel cheated, disappointed without her climax in my mouth.  I was secretly hoping to swallow her surrender.
Devon reaches for the southern lover who had stopped loving me and had been sitting with her long legs splayed out, playing studiously and deeply until she sat in a liquid puddle of her own desire.
She squeals with delight as Devon pulls her to him strongly and flips her around, gently spanking her bottom until its slightly pink and she is backing her derriere against him with urgency.
His shaft is ready again and eager to slip into her, already dribbling cum from the head.  Devon angles them both over my head and I get to watch, straining at my restraints, as he spreads her buns and soft wet blossom lips so far apart she’s whining like a bitch in heat.
She is trembling with anticipation and slipping two fingers inside of herself, spreading her wetness to her clitoris, massaging it.
My own porn movie is unfolding before my eyes.
What a gentleman Devon is.
I watch how his hands are so intellectually, subtly slipping over her, how his fingers slide inside her to come out slickly wet, and slip back and forth between both holes, boldly going where they desired to venture.
I watch her reach around to grip his shaft, and she backs against him, thrusting it into her hot wetness repeatedly as if he were a life size dildo and she was screwing all by herself.  Her breasts are swaying, her chest is heaving, she is crying out with each thrust she is pushing into herself of his engorgement, dripping her juices down onto me.
 
Ohh God.
I’m licking my lips with anticipation again.  Maybe she will come in my mouth.
His tempo quickens faster and harder and she responds with quivering desires, pushing so hard against him it might bruise her soft white skin of me.  They’re fucking like wild rabbits in procreation.
 
She is panting out
faster, harder.
I’m aching to kiss Devon’s manly jewels and take a closer look at my very own porn movie.
 
The wish is so strong, the thought loosens my strapsSuddenly I am free.  My mind feels sharply clear as I realize the sleeping pills have worn off.
I am in control of my dream again. I smile.  I look at my hands, and focus on them briefly.  The room is suddenly warmer and softer, and I am filled with my own natural power.
 
Yes.
I’m back.
I rise up to kiss Devon’s swaying balls with love as he is thrusting noisily into her, the sound of slapping noises slowing down.
He looks down and smiles at me with such desire.
He says
Finish her
Tina.
 
Devon stops completely, holding her derriere firmly in place, and keeps his erection firmly wedged inside her slick box. 
 
I can move now.
 
I slip under them both, and lick her wetly while Devon grunts with the frustrations of holding back.  The southern lover is trying to thrust against him and he spanks her, commanding her to hold still.
 
He is in charge.
And so am I.
 
I enjoy them both, licking Devon from his rim hole, down his taint, around his wet ball sack to his huge manhood caught in her, nibbling at them both until they are crying out a little from the sheer torture.  Her hard clit button is swollen and popped out for me.  I wrap my lips around it and my tongue flicks it quickly.  I want her to come hard in my mouth.
 
My dream Devon is struggling to hold still, he thrusts once before reclaiming his control.  His fingers are gripping her cheeks so deeply that she’s slightly bruising.
 
While I flick her button hard with my tongue, I slip a single finger inside of her, feeling the sensation of his heartbeat shaft wedged into her increasing wetness.  I rub him for a moment while he is in her until my finger is so lubricated and she is starting to moan audibly. 
 
I slip the lubed finger into him while I cup his balls firmly, holding him captive.
My dream.  My rules.
 
His breath is ragged and his buttocks are trembling while he remains still.
I begin to move it in and out of him very slowly, finger banging him with a lover’s touch, and squeeze his balls teasingly while keeping him immobile.
 
My southern lover’s flavors are rising in my mouth like the sea’s tide.  I know she’s close to coming deliciously for me. 
My tongue becomes more territorial and digs deeply into the button, flicking it so intensely that she is shuddering from the hard orgasm beginning to rise.
 
 I pull Devon out of her with a sucking wet motion but I do not release him from his finger and ball restraint.
He yells out, shuddering in my grasp, and sprays her backside unexpectedly with so much creaminess that it’s oozing down her valley onto my neck and bare breasts, as my mouth opens wide against her swollen flower to claim every drop of her orgasmic essence.
 
She comes hard and fast against my lips and tongue, squirting the musky cream against my palate, and I lap it up like a hungry pussy cat drinking milk out of a dish, licking her and swallowing it all until she is spent, and her knees are wobbly from the intensity.
 
Like the other one, she disappears in a wisp of dream smoke.  I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling wildly satiated with her orgasm in my mouth.
 
Her taste of me is all over my face.  And I still have my finger wedged oh so deeply inside of Devon dream.  I have him by the balls.
It’s just the two of us again.  His blues glow in the dim light with love and acceptance.  He is submissive.
If ever there was a battle, I have won.
 
I feel so complete, so whole, as if I’ve been faceted for so long, that I didn’t know how broken I was before.
For the first time, I feel love for myself.
 
I feel the dream shifting to unsteadiness. 
I keep my eyes focused to his, and I refuse to slip my finger out of him.  I grip him hard and he winces a little.
I want to keep him. 
 
I’m starting to wake up.  I wish he could come with me.
 
The room is fading out to billowing clouds of grey and we are floating along gently.  He hasn’t faded yet.
 
Devon kisses my forehead and whispers
Remember me
Tina
 
His hair is suddenly soft copper
And I realize he is Sandman.
 
The wind begins to blow softly,
clouds are fading,
and we are drifting as clouds,
becoming clouds,
droplets
of water
my hands are mist-laden
 
Floating in the sky of twilight
His baby blues
Are baby bluebirds
 
They flit away quietly on
The breeze
 
And the breath leaves
My body
with love..
 
I float into
Nothingness
 
Suddenly, I am awake, groggy, and feeling very sexually frustrated.   My finger is tingling and my hand is empty.  The other hand has a death grip on the necklace.
It’s pitch black in my room except for the glowing digital clock.
I’m getting so sick of waking up at 3:09am.
I throw my pillows, and my dream book, AND my pencils, I’m so pissed but for once, I don’t need the bucket.
I hate. Hate. Insomnia.
I roll over, sulking, not noticing the quiet shadow who had been watching me for hours.
 All I recall is a pinch of pain in my neck.  Insomnia slurs into deep sea of spreading numbness as my eyes loll back, closing.

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