Not Tonight Dear, My Fantasy’s Got a Headache


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Fantasies are concepts brought to life in our head.  Without them, dreams would not happen, desires would dwindle and life between the sheets would be bland and tasteless.

We all, at some point in our lives, fantasize.  Some are healthy, some dangerous, and some take a detour into addictions.

Svelte long-legged goddesses with flowing manes and overflowing bosoms, luxuriously typing erotic stories while the barely clad harem boys hand feed them succulent grapes, is a juicy thought.
Weeeelllll….I’m actually a reclusive spitfire, barely above Midget.  I do my best writing solo in a bathrobe and several layers of flannel pajamas…and I’d likely be serving those grapes to a homeless man on the street.  That, and I avoid intimacy like the plague some days.
That statement likely blew any fantasy of ME out the water- but there is no shame in being who I am.
So, let’s talk about  sexual dreams and desires, the MILF craze, and realities.

Fantasies are a wonderful tool to color our sexual field of vision. Our riotous imaginations fuel the fires, creating mental sparks in the dark like neuronic Peppermint Livesavers, making us eager for a better experience between the sheets.

We fantasize about movie stars in bed with us and surf the wave of euphoria with our lip-smacking senses- playing the scenarios out, riding the crest until we peak with pleasures.  It totally enhances the high of an orgasm.

Sometimes others slip in our head sublimely, like the neighbor’s hot cousin, or the perky-breasted barista that serves you a piping hot cup in the drive-thru (oh you know, that one that leans pleasingly out her cubicle as she soothingly says she knows how much you looove extra whip cream…wink wink).

Or, your best friend’s mom that bent over one too many times in the kitchen pulling pot roast out of the oven.  Honestly, I’ve been told that a woman in the kitchen is one of the hottest sexual triggers.   Maybe its her flushed cheeks from steamy heat.. the way her hair clings to the nape of her slightly perspiring neck.. maybe its the passion she has for her creation, and the joy that lingers on their palates, that makes the MILF the ultimate turn-on for young males across the world.

There are some unlucky ones where fantasy goes terribly wrong.

I dated a man once, that had known me for twelve years prior as friends.  We were great friends, and he knew me (or so I thought).  I had been single awhile and he wanted a chance, claiming that he was deeply in love with me all those years.  A mutual friend of ours was practically shoving me in his direction.

Thankfully, I had started my recovery writing beforehand so my blinders were off.
The turning point for me, was when he could not accept me as I was.

It turned out I had been HIS fantasy for twelve years, but the fantasy of me was outlandish…in short, he’d stuck me in a movie idol role in his head and between his legs.  Suddenly, I was being politely molded and pawed into something I was not.

I politely excused myself from his life and ran.   Three weeks of pretending to be a fantasy was enough for me.  I was as close to a pot roast MILF as I wanted to get.  Toss the pot holders and run, honey, and don’t let the pantry door hit me on the way out!

Fantasies are just that.  Imaginary situations.  A fantasy never ends well when your imagination about someone ends up being opposite in real life.- and even more of a disaster when fantasy consumes your life.
We can have sex with anybody in our head that we want, even those “bow-bow-chicky-wowwow” cheesy porn flick scenarios.  We can murmur in the heat of solitary passion our wildest wants.  Read a hot book.  Timidly slide a twenty into a grinding lap dancer’s cleavage, wanting more than just a tease.

But when you’ve got the real deal betwixt your thighs- a true, honestly imperfect sexual partner in your bed- expect the real experience, with real screw-ups, because the real deal is not supposed to be like in a romance novel.
For one night, let the fantasy have a headache, and enjoy the reality. Enjoy what you have, take it as it is, and love it.  The experiences are what we are after in life.  Relish the eccentricities, the crazy happenings, the unexpected body noises, and the mistakes to learn from.
Have an experience to cry over, to laugh over, to reminisce about in your little lock n’ key diary.

The condom breaks; the pot roast triggers the fire department; onion breath lingers NO matter what; she wants the covers on, you want them off; she wants the lights on, you feverishly beg for the lights off; you accidentally call him/her another name; the kids or Grandma barge in at the worst moment when you can’t quite stop; your beer goggles come off at 4am- HER wine goggles come off before YOUR beer goggles do.
Oh, my.. such memories you will want to cringe or laugh over later.  But that’s what life’s all about.  The experiences and the journey.
Safe journey to all of you today as you grasp reality by the buttocks and give it a hot smooch in bed.

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