Finding the pulse of an ending


finding tina 2 sample coverToday, I’m staring at the blank screen.  My mind is not blank.  In fact, it’s full.. of words, information, and secrets.  My fingers are writing lines yet deleting whole paragraphs just written.

This is the one book where I’ve been unable to find the pulse of the ending- probably because in my mind when the book ends, so do I.

Or do I?  The book is a recovery writing series for me.  It’s a process, a work in progress, an unfolding of life happening.

I look at all the backups I have.. hundreds of unseen pages.  I read a chapter I wrote.  I then read my abuse blog posts and compare the times, seeing the link of the pattern.  I am the Healing Phoenix.  I am Tina. I am C.L. Bolin. I am me, they are all me.

If you’ve never read the first Finding Tina, the quick summary is this.  It is a true fiction about trying to heal and find love in the chaos of abuse, predators and violence.  It is my story.  It’s fictionally truthful.  It’s dark and frightening from the start.

The first chapter “To Capture a Peacock” begins from the predator’s eyes and he takes us through every thought process and desire.  Although I cannot fathom what would drive a person to do such things, I had to imagine the why’s.  What’s sobering is that anyone, if pushed to madness, has this capability to behave this way.  Some of us step back from the brink of madness, and others plunge into it mindlessly.

I grew up with a sibling with Multiple Personality Disorder and so I do understand the truth of how MPDs behave when one side of them shuts down and another flips on to run the body and handle the task at hand.  I’ve seen the process of fusing faceted personalities.  The book delves into that area of MPD.

The characters to the book: Tina (me), the Sandman (my soul mate), Officer Guire (a blend of two abusive predators in my life), Claire (familial abuse), and the abductor (childhood sodomy).

A mousy woman (Tina) in a bad relationship is abducted by a predator in a parking lot at night in pouring rain.  She vanishes for a year before returning mysteriously with subconscious programming and blank memories.  Tina is a cracked mirror held together in a pretty frame.. each broken piece of her is a fragment of memory and altered perception.  Her behavior is erotic and dangerous.  Phoenix is her autopilot personality during traumas.  Tina cannot trust anyone except the man in her dreams.

In real life, for domestic violence survivors, trusting others hangs by a thread.  Dreams are safe.. well, so they say.  Tina’s dreams are surreal, lucid yet also nearly hallucinogenic, and there’s a handful of nightmares in there.

I have yet to pick myself apart in analyzing.  Honestly, I try not to.  I’m evolving as I go- some days I don’t know how I can drag myself to present time or keep up with myself as I run past.  But every day is a nightmare myth to dispel on paper and every dream is something to embrace tangibly inside of me.

Thank you for being here on the journey.

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5 thoughts on “Finding the pulse of an ending

  1. C.L. – what I wrote in my blog about ‘Heroes’, you’re right up there with the biggest, strongest and best of them.

    I’m a man and I know that ‘men’ can only be defined as the enemy, I’m one of them as defined by genitalia – but not as defined by my mind.

    The recent case of a young girl being flogged in Saudi for having sex outside marriage (or being raped by her grandfather as we might properly describe it) and the earlier rape in India, resonate deep within me.

    Just who the hell are these people?

    Not real men, that’s for sure.

    • James, I don’t feel strong at all, and that’s the strangest thing. I read your post, thinking I don’t remember the last time I heard such sweet respect. Thank you.

      Even today, when I feel like I could roar like a Lion, the instinct is to squeak & dart under the fridge. It’s a constant internal fight, and part of the aftereffects of long-term abuse. I’d love to swing by your blog tomorrow and read “Heroes” 🙂

      • How true that is for both sexes! I’m of a firm belief God gives us as much as we can handle, no matter what parts we are born with.

        hmm.. well, if women are like teabags, then I’d love to be Earl Grey double-strong swimming in sweet milk, but then I might be one of those challenging teabags that lost its string. (lol) wow, analogy of my life there..

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