This is the one book where I’ve been unable to find the pulse of the ending- probably because in my mind when the book ends, so do I.
Or do I? The book is a recovery writing series for me. It’s a process, a work in progress, an unfolding of life happening.
I look at all the backups I have.. hundreds of unseen pages. I read a chapter I wrote. I then read my abuse blog posts and compare the times, seeing the link of the pattern. I am the Healing Phoenix. I am Tina. I am C.L. Bolin. I am me, they are all me.
If you’ve never read the first Finding Tina, the quick summary is this. It is a true fiction about trying to heal and find love in the chaos of abuse, predators and violence. It is my story. It’s fictionally truthful. It’s dark and frightening from the start.
The first chapter “To Capture a Peacock” begins from the predator’s eyes and he takes us through every thought process and desire. Although I cannot fathom what would drive a person to do such things, I had to imagine the why’s. What’s sobering is that anyone, if pushed to madness, has this capability to behave this way. Some of us step back from the brink of madness, and others plunge into it mindlessly.
I grew up with a sibling with Multiple Personality Disorder and so I do understand the truth of how MPDs behave when one side of them shuts down and another flips on to run the body and handle the task at hand. I’ve seen the process of fusing faceted personalities. The book delves into that area of MPD.
The characters to the book: Tina (me), the Sandman (my soul mate), Officer Guire (a blend of two abusive predators in my life), Claire (familial abuse), and the abductor (childhood sodomy).
A mousy woman (Tina) in a bad relationship is abducted by a predator in a parking lot at night in pouring rain. She vanishes for a year before returning mysteriously with subconscious programming and blank memories. Tina is a cracked mirror held together in a pretty frame.. each broken piece of her is a fragment of memory and altered perception. Her behavior is erotic and dangerous. Phoenix is her autopilot personality during traumas. Tina cannot trust anyone except the man in her dreams.
In real life, for domestic violence survivors, trusting others hangs by a thread. Dreams are safe.. well, so they say. Tina’s dreams are surreal, lucid yet also nearly hallucinogenic, and there’s a handful of nightmares in there.
I have yet to pick myself apart in analyzing. Honestly, I try not to. I’m evolving as I go- some days I don’t know how I can drag myself to present time or keep up with myself as I run past. But every day is a nightmare myth to dispel on paper and every dream is something to embrace tangibly inside of me.
Thank you for being here on the journey.