Admitting the trauma even occurred can be a struggle. For many of us, it has been buried for so long. Our mind has amazing safety mechanisms, one of which is blocking out painful memories.
In my “Finding Tina” series, there is reference to a blank grey fog that appears during times of crisis. My mind experiences a similar safety mechanism.
Some days the smallest details could be recalled with agonizing clarity. Other days- the same memory is as blank as a piece of lined school paper. Faint traces of scribbles, barely discernible. The harder I try to focus on them, the fainter they become, until the page is pure grey and I feel detached. That is a strangely comforting page in my mind.
Trauma can be all kinds of things. Seeing violence and death at war. Losing a parent or loved one, being in an accident or natural disaster, and abuse (emotional, sexual or physical) are all traumas. All across the world, trauma happens to good-hearted souls.
There is no good, healthy or sane reason for one person to have control over another, and abuse (in any form) is a destructive controlling tactic. The victims who are lucky enough to escape tend to suffer emotionally long after the abuse ends. It is a residual effect that none of us should have to endure. And yet, we do, for its only when we are safe that we can relax enough to deal with the trauma.
We all deal with physical, sexual and emotional trauma in different ways. Some of us repeat our patterns. Some of us grey out. Others self-abuse with drugs, alcohol and risky behaviors that may extinguish life altogether.
We might feel that we are not worthy of love, or respect, or happiness- because the abuser at the helm of our trauma convinced us we are not.
We are all born free individuals, we all have our eccentric ways, desires, and basic human rights. No one has the right to restrain or hit us, no one has the right to force us to have sex, no one has the right to make us feel unworthy and undesirable with words, fists or manipulations. No one has the right to destroy our childhood. We are all beautiful, imperfect souls on the same path to experience life in a way that’s best for us.