A Tapestry of the Elements of Self

The chapters of Recovery Writing 101 have expanded (or more so, exploded) into a more comprehensive diddle than I thought I would be writing.

You see, recovery touches all aspects of a person’s psyche.. emotional, spiritual, physical as well as sexual.  They all interconnect and interact with each other, woven into the most glorious tapestry of a single human spirit.  It would be falling short to just focus on the sexual aspect.   Domestic violence and rape damages all the elements of self.

And I must admit, at first I used recovery writing for just healing the sexual trauma of being raped. I wanted to not lose the joy of making love, and that was my focus.

In fact, I’m bare bones confessing my rose-tinted blinders were the deepest shade of fuchsia.   I could not see the peripherals of how much more damaged I was than I thought.

I wanted a relationship, so badly. My core overflows with joy, love and passion, with so much to give.  I wrote, wrote, wrote…

Dang, I was so hopeful to be ready.  40+ women can feel the most absurd external pressures to settle down before the Old Maid reference sticks to us like glue.

And months later, here I go..  I tried a relationship recently, and fell into old patterns quickly. Tried too fast, too soon, and I let go of the reins for just a moment.  Boundaries were crossed, which I allowed unknowingly.

Recognizing it, I pulled back into myself a little as soon as I was triggered.  It gave me a moment of “duhhh…” clarity.  The relationship shifted into neutral gear – if it’s meant to be, it will be there.

I stopped writing anything for two weeks, thinking… I stopped posting…  I played Facebook games until I was glassy-eyed and mentally resetting.  I took a good look inside of myself and saw my tapestry was still so far from whole.  It was still a mess, still haphazardly basted and nothing looked quite right.

I guess I needed a bigger needle and thread…slower, tighter stitches… a better plan..

And most definitely a great pair of spectacles.


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