“His kiss is softly menacing with obsession, warmly chilled with sickly sweetness, a poisoned apple chunk stuck in my throat, intent on rotting me from the inside out.” quote from the book “Finding Tina 1” by C.L. Bolin
When I wrote the first book last year and published it, I never realized how toxic abuse had made me until I went looking for one of my own quotes today. I knew abuse had made me physically ill and made me spiritually and mentally a trainwreck. Abuse shifted my boundaries into No-Man’s Land. Things happened to me continually, and I let them happen, not by choice but by survival. The book was centered around my mate’s addiction(s) and abuse tactics, who at the time was the father of my child. Thank you Lord, I physically escaped him in 2010.
A year later, I let a phone call happen for thirty minutes. I allowed him to cut loose and say whatever he wanted. Being called a worthless, white trash poor whore.. admitting he withheld my income to force me home.. Damn. I did not really argue, or fight. I did guide parts of the conversation into dangerous waters. But I let the conversation happen, and not by choice.. but by survival. You see, he was being recorded the entire time and I wanted proof he was not the sugar-coated goody persona behind closed doors. He hadn’t changed. He was worse.
I’ve held on to this recording for three years along with everything else.
And just when I think he’s healing.. that maybe he’s better.. I should have learned by now that Quiet does not equal Healing. Hence, the quote I was searching for. He is rotting from the inside out. One would think three years is enough time to recover. One would think he would think twice about diddling in my life anymore. But he runs like clockwork, on schedule, and judging by the calendar he’s right on time.
The beginning of this September, he made a casual call to put my state help in flux, effectively taking his child’s meals off my table until it gets sorted out. He pays no child support, or alimony, I ask for nothing of him. I begged them to leave him alone. Why awaken the Beast of Hell?
But apparently, one lying phone call is all it takes to starve someone. It became the Prickled Bomb in my Glass House.
He reminds me more and more, that he is more so a bottomfeeder politician material than the Beast of Hell.. because even the lowliest of beasts feed their children before thinking about themselves.