Leaving behind the Twinkie

Magic Man and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary not long ago.  Reciprocal love is hard to come by.  He is the love of my life and he has the biggest heart.  I’m so very blessed.

Many things have occurred over the last year.  Some good, some “meh”, all learning experiences in boundaries and what it means to be a survivor and not a schmuck.  One thing I’ve learned the hard way about surviving DV is this:  freedom can come at great cost.  I often compare DV to a natural disaster, both destructive and expensive.

When I say cost, I don’t necessarily mean money.  Yes.  I won’t deny it, surviving is difficult and costly.  It costs to save, it costs to plan, it costs to run.  We also lose a lot of, well… stuff and things.  We lose belongings, and memories, and friends.   But trust me when I say even though it’s crushing to humans to lose stuff and things, they could look back on the losses when the dust has settled and time has passed.  They realize, those stuff and things were as relevant as  filling in a Twinkie, and just as fake.

Belongings can be replaced- we as a species could replace a good chunk of everything we hold dear in one shopping spree to a local Goodwill.  Memories, most DV victims pray to lose anyway.  And friends?  If they disappear when the filling hits the fan, it’s a blessing in disguise they were lost.

So if you’re afraid to leave, because of stuff and things, yes. Yes.  You most likely will lose the stuff, and the things.  You might feel broken, and terrible, worthless and conflicted.  Your pockets may turn inside out and grumble from emptiness.  You might want to run back to the illusion, if only to feel like you haven’t lost the stuff and things.   Illusions are just that- a hoax, a fake- Twinkie filling.  We can’t sustain or flourish off illusions.  Sooner or later if we’re lucky, we leave behind the stuff and things we don’t need in our life- those illusions that looked tempting and real, but never were.  What we do leave with are the most important things.  Life, hope, and chance to survive.